Why Do Kundalini Yoga? How it changed my life.

(video courtesy of Mandala Yoga, Portand OR)

The Lover, The Loved, The Void.

I notice the contraction and relaxation of my heart happening simultaneously. It's quite remarkable. It feels like being on a swing set in the moonlight. A cool breeze blows past my skin. As I propel myself higher with my legs, I thrust my chest forward. Open Open Open. I am on a brink of something new. During the ascension I experience a sensation of filling up. Then I wince and think, “If only my toes could reach the tip of that leaf on that tree in front of me,” as I extend my legs farther. Before the thought reaches completion, I am brought backwards with as much anticipation that the ascension brought.

The pressure in my belly rises up to my chest. It feels like the moment right before two cells begin to split, ready to create some grand complex organism. The building tension is almost too much to bear. A tickling sensation rides upwards. Although my physical body is going back and as my chest caves inward, I feel the energy being suspended and left behind at that point just where my toes almost touched the leaf. There lies the moment of attachment. I'm leaving that behind now. I tilt my head back and look up at the darkness. A new appreciation for the void that now fills my heart. Yet this void is of not sadness. If anything, it is nothingness. It is a gentle reminder of where I came from in the heavens. I can feel home so close to me, but a spell prevents me from seeing it fully. My angels remind me that I am not to go back there yet. This spirit has a lot to say still. Yet only if my toes could reach the edge of the leaf.

My angel, I sense you sitting in the backseat of my car. I dare not look behind, because I know my eyes will not see and you will disappear just as fast as you came. But my heart feels you. Your legs are probably stretched out, your head resting against the window. I bet you wonder what it's like to feel the shaky suspension through the steering wheel, or the low anxiety one feels when I'm trying to get to the Ross Island bridge during rush hour. You are probably just sitting back there smitten as can be, though. Not a worry to consider, because those things don't even think about existing where you come from. With a flick of your hand, you save me once again from an accident. I look up and slam on my brakes. Another close call. I can sense you shaking your head, because you save me probably 10-20 times a day. You remind me that there's no rush and one can enjoy the ride. So there you are day after day in the backseat enjoying the ride, wishing you were in the drivers seat. What an important job you have. How funny it is that I desire to be you and you desire to be me.

Perhaps you wish to know what it's like to feel the heart beat of a lover as your ear is pressed against her chest.  I am reminded that I am the lover, the loved, and the void. I lay on the grass surrounded by four trees on an unexpected sunny northwest day. The protection of these gentle giants urge me to take off my turban. I let my long black hair uncurl from the bun as it cascades down my shoulders and down my back. I glance at the long streaks of white hair sporadically placed throughout from tip to end. I smile at these tokens of wisdom. I feel completely nurtured as my head nestles into the womb of the earth. I take out my stethoscope from my work bag. How surprised I am to find each beat beautifully played out in a well rehearsed symphony. It has no question of it's place and how it should be used. It never second guesses itself. It feels like it has been taken out of my physical body in all it's beauty, adorned, admired, and even tossed about. Yet it continues to do it's work like nothing ever happened once it is returned. If it by chance occasionally skips a beat in it's perfection, it just picks back up where it left off. I bet my angel wonders what that feels like.

My angel reminds me to return once again to the swing. I scared off some teenage boys as I approached the playground that night. My furry companion kept me company from a distance. He was busy rolling in God knows what. He smelled like a mixture of skunk and poop. At least he enjoyed it. That's how I want to choose to live. I want to enjoy it all, no matter how stinky it gets.

And so my heart continues in this expansion and contraction, both equally enjoyable and yet I ask for more and more as I aim higher. Only the One Beloved understands my experience of this series of suspended moments in  the void, right before the exchange of ascending and descending. Throughout my time on the swing I once again come across an unanswered soulful longing. My soul asks if there will ever be a person that could meet me at this place, right before my toes touch the tip of the leaf. Will he see that he too is the lover, the loved, and the void? Will he be able to find me during the ache-type tingling of my heart when gravity pulls me away? Will he ask for more? Too many times have I been disappointed while ascending higher and higher on this ever changing pendulum only to look back and see the other on his own level of pleasure. No different in distinction of which is better or not, but nonetheless it's a different viewpoint. The longing to hold hands while on the swing, to not worry that my arm will be broken off or one/both of us will lose grip. I wish to receive the wisdom of timing, never ending patience, and dedication to hold on. I long to hold tight enough to stay at a similar pace as him, but loose enough where we can enjoy the fulfillment on our own.

My toes don't quite reach the tip of the leaf on the tree in front of me, but the steady light emanating from my chest can. I'll be satisfied with that.

The Place Between the Inhale and Exhale

This poem or string of words, has been percolating for some time. It was inspired by a class I recently took with Gurmukh Kaur, yoga therapy training in Los Angeles, recent life events, and wisdom I received from wise counsel. I also thought this was a good to share during this very interesting time in full moon and Mercury in retrograde.

Inhale..Pause...

Reconsider what is to come next

Dangling in this moment of simultaneous purgatory, confusion, and perfection.

Death and rebirth are the same.

The contentment in knowing the prayer has been sent and will be answered on it's own accord.

The pause that renders the audacity to receive gifts once thought not deserved.

The choice to act courageously towards a goal not yet known.

Putting aside the urgency so that we may listen for the silence through the influence of gratitude.

Look how far we have come to be standing in this here and now.

Exhale..Pause

To wait patiently in the pause,

the uncomfortable and unfortunate feelings of the unknown.

Seduction of darkness whispers for me to go deeper.

All must be balanced in the accumulation and the letting go.

This natural cycle is merely doing what it does best to keep all in harmony.

So why do we fight it relentlessly and sigh with disdain when it comes near?

Fear of being alone, of not having this, that, who, what in our life.

Surely it will all come back ten fold, often in a different mold than projected.

The mystery of prosperity hidden in the apana.

In the end a bigger hole to be filled by that which already resides within.

To see beyond the "you" and "I."

The merge into “we” dares not happen on the human's watch.

Only these brave souls are courageous enough to explore this pause,

the transformation from “we” to “all”.

The pause

the test

the block

the ultimate fork in the road.

How silly we are to be afraid of coming to these crossroads.

When this is the opportunity to eliminate polarity of self.

To find out what this experience is about.

To stop hiding from the Truth.

Afraid of seeing something we may not like.

Taking off the rose colored glasses.

For who will be judge but you.

Therefore nothing can be the wrong choice

and all is victorious.

The universe conspiring in our favor.

Let us challenge the elimination of the “you” and “I”.

The weapon of choice is self love

which cannot help but manifest and multiply in itself

only to be radiated in reflection of another.

If we are to be exhausted from this battle,

may we be thrown gracefully into the field of zero plus one.

May the polarities be neutralized.

May we have the courage to embrace the ultimate commitment to ourselves.

So all that is left is the place between the inhale and the exhale.

Pause.

So Purkh: Stepping into the Power of the Feminine

Light of Venus

These dark winter months call many of us to turn inward into our womb like nature for deep reflection. For me, the last few months in particular have been very energetically and emotionally charged. Time has seemed to become a blur and also pass very slowly at the same time. I rested in self nourishment on the Winter Solstice integrating the last 40 days of chanting a very powerful mantra, So Purkh, and how mantra has brought immeasurable depth to my personal practice.

Embracing the Gifts of the Shabad Guru

Chanting mantra is quite common in many Kundalini Yoga classes. The specific rhythms and sound current is often what initially attracts beginners to this practice. These mantras are designed specifically to cut through the ego so that one's Truth is unveiled. That is why it is called the Shabad Guru, a special sound that is a teacher. It allows one to unite the personal and Infinite experience of and within one's self. Some feel hesitant to chant initially, due to feeling that it is projecting a certain faith, religion, or belief. However, Yogi Bhajan was very clear in expressing his thoughts on this by saying, “We do not need another religion. We need the experience of a lifestyle or path- a dharma- that creates the spiritual fitness to act believably on our beliefs. The Shabd Guru is a special kind of technology with a unique contribution to develop potentials and handle the problems of the new age-The Aquarian Age....in each person's consciousness it builds the clarity to act with fearless integrity” (p.77, The Aquarian Teacher). I've chanted quite a few mantras since my first discovery of Kundalini Yoga, often finding that no matter how many times I've chanted the same mantra, it reaches a part of my soul in a unique way. The last 40 days in particular have brought insight not only into a new relationship with the the Shabad Guru but the powerful effects it has had on my life and the relationship of myself and with others.

A Personal Reflection of So Purkh

My intention to start chanting So Purkh was very different on the first day compared to the last day. My ego felt empowered knowing that I am this strong woman chanting a Shabd for a very special man in my life. What better way to be of service than through the strength of a woman's connection with the Divine? My focus and dedication would be towards elevating this man's circumstances so he could be prosperous amongst all the transitions he was going through. It would also bring clarity to our relationship and cut through any negativity between us. After one of my teachers, Ramdesh Kaur, strongly suggested that I recite this mantra she said something that left me confused for quite some time. Although I perceived that I was already doing so much, she asked that I ask myself in what ways I need to help him. It was clear that I needed to keep the message close to my heart due to the resistance of receiving these words.

The following days proceeded with not so subtle hints to revisit my behavioral and relationship patterns with men. The ways these patterns were revealed in deeper levels were surprising. Within the first two weeks I soon began to receive much healing of my past through a variety of insights during meditation and also being physically confronted with past relationships that needed karmic healing and completion. These series of serendipitous events were starting to become comical. It didn't take long to notice that my intention for chanting So Purkh needed to be tweaked. Once again, I was learning what it truly meant to be of service to another. As I continued to chant So Purkh I noticed my perception and ideologies embodying the actions of giving and receiving. About half way through my 40 days I noticed my focus transitioning from him towards myself. The small part of me felt selfish for redirecting this focus, especially since there wasn't much externally changing in this man's situation. Nonetheless, I kept doing my part and focused on giving what I could. As resentment and frustration slowly began to build, I noticed that the giving also needed to be equally balanced with receiving. A big part of it was once again healing the blockage of allowing to receiving. I began to understand that having clarity about my own personal needs was important, but it would be of no value if I wasn't open to receiving. Furthermore, I had to ask myself if I was even clear in knowing and expressing those personal needs.

I continued to sit with this lack of clarity only to be confronted with more issues surrounding patience, commitment to myself/others, self worth and self compassion. I soon came to a crossroads where there was nothing to do but surrender to the Divine and Trust the unknown with fearlessness, knowing whatever outcome came to me I would be infinitely supported. The more I tried to work at this Trust thing, the more it became less clear and less tangible.

One morning I was completing my practice and I felt the presence of Yogi Bhajan compassionately holding me yet at the same time telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself. This helped me get out of the trenches of my mind and take action. Within a day or so I came to a better understanding that I must learn to receive by expressing my Truth and be open to all outcomes. On the 38th day everything seemed to consolidate and become more clear. The unknown was still very tangible, but I had a different relationship with it because I opened up to a different relationship with myself. For the first time I was able to express my Truth and my needs with remarkable clarity and ease. I was able to speak what I needed from the voice of my Highest Self. At the same time I felt the most vulnerable than I ever had been with another.

Despite being vulnerable I felt protected and supported knowing that the support originated from within. Although I still had questions about the future in many aspects of my life besides my relationship, they weren't fueled by fear. In the end, I was filled with gratitude not only for the healing I received but the unfolding of the prosperity that was coming into my life throughout the process in many different ways. Through this I also remembered that when I don't think I have enough, I have to be even more thankful for what I already have. The message from my teacher came back to me full circle. In order to be of service to this man and to heal the relationship I have with him, I can only do that through myself. I still may not know the outcome will be, but I do know that when I surrender to my Truth, I am being of compassionate service to another in the highest form. As daylight slowly starts to emerge throughout the remaining winter months, I sit in quiet reflection and gratitude for this Shabad and sharing authentic vulnerability with another so that we may experience a glimpse of the unconditional love of the Divine.