Listen and Be Silent

The winter days have settled in.

I notice time slowing down as

A low hum vibrates through me

calling me to nestle under

cozy blankets and do absolutely nothing.

I’ve been resisting this nothingness for days now

But the need to “go go go” is dissipating

As I listen to the dull ache in my body

Telling me the reserve is on low

While the need to withdraw within increases.

I let whatever this is flow through me and be

Transformed into the unnamed 

I guess I’ll be a human now.

The Courage to Embrace Infinite Prosperity

Earlier in the year I created a vision board for myself displaying all the ways I wanted prosperity to flow into my life. As I look at it every morning I am in awe at how everything I have been asking for is consistently coming to me in unexpected ways. Needless to say prosperity has been resting cozily upon my heart lately. It's propelled a journey of constantly redefining what prosperity means for me.

Do I really deserve this?

There have been countless times where I have asked the Universe for a specific thing to manifest in my life. However, I have always had the courage to ask for it, but not to fully accept it as my own, until recently. Many of the reasons why I chose to not accept these gifts was from subconscious learned patterns and not taking ownership of the Divinity within. In the end I was left with feelings of unworthiness, guilt, and shame to receive such gifts.

I have often pushed away the very thing that my soul desired to come to me out of fear of it being 'too close for comfort'. One may see this as quite a silly and absurd thing to do, but I am sure it happens more times than expected. In the last two years I have come to realize the greatest gifts that we desire are in fact perfectly designed to push us out of our comfort zones whether it be a new relationship, a change in career, a move, or simply living your daily Truth more authentically. In addition, all the old subconscious patterns are being brought to the surface to be released. That's why I have found it to be very important to bless myself during these uncomfortable moments as patterns that no longer serve me are letting go. Meanwhile, prosperity is rolling in to fill the void.

Transforming Intention into Action

It's one thing to set an intention for something you wish to receive, but it's a whole other thing to put that intention into action. I used to feel that this process was equivalent to working hard. I felt the need to work endless hours physically and energetically to prove to myself, but mostly prove to others, that I had paid my dues in deserving such gifts. Although calling in prosperity isn't a passive movement at all, this could potentially be why we partake in unconscious actions of self sabotage. I'm learning about balancing my efforts to manifest while trusting the Infinite to take care of the rest.

Photo by Sarah Humphrey

I've recently been practicing the Neutral Mind Kriya for Guidance to explore these subtle undertones of 'action' more deeply. This kriya was perfect in helping me realize that when I decide to accept everything that is already mine, my actions come from a place of neutrality instead of the negative or positive mind. Yogi Bhajan stated, “ Saibhung- self illumined, when you are a resource unto yourself, communicating with your own Infinity- needing nothing. The ultimate posture is one of prosperity. The ultimate posture is not of you fulfilling your own requests. The ultimate posture is one asking for that which is yours” (The Aquarian Teacher, p. 101). The negative mind is present to protect us from harm but often also prevents us from embracing the unknown due to past experience. The positive mind always sees the positive aspect of any situation while seeking out opportunities for experience. However, it can often lead us to make compulsive decisions that may not benefit us. When I make decisions from a place of non attachment, also known as the neutral mind, then I can have clarity about what I specifically want and what will benefit my Higher Self. It is in this place where I can take action with a compassionate heart.

Command Myself to Keep Up and Commit

Sometimes I wonder why there isn't a magic genie that appears from a bottle and instantaneously grants me the unrealized prosperity I am seeking. This could be a sign that I need to look more deeply into my shadow self and see what is preventing me from accepting it. Simply recognizing the blockage with self compassion is usually the first step in moving forward for me while maintaining a positive projection. Often times, I have come across life events that have seemed to serve more as a test to see if I have embraced the knowing that I am really ready to accept what I want. Allowing the doubts that arise to pass without judgment is crucial. It's been quite helpful to sustain a more neutral place of receiving prosperity by maintaining a consistent daily practice, regular opportunities to express my creativity (art, dance, music, etc), and being willing to ask for help. Remember that everything that you want you already have. You are asking for something that is already yours. It's only waiting to be deposited into your bank account of Infinity.

The Forest Within

Cascading branches of the willow trees lead me down this path masked in sorrows.
Yet I walk on my heels to be healed
As I enter the forest within.
Eyes tightly shut, open, and adjust only to behold the mystery all around.

Tall sequoias trail both sides of me while looking down upon me with each chosen step.
The natural darkness surrounding me seems to comfort me at the same time.
This forest within has many twists and turns. The mystery never fails to unfold with each step despite the insecurity, fear, and confusion. However, it all leads to the womb place. This magical place of awaits me below the blankets of moss. No questions can arise, because the answers are already in clear view. Oh receive me, Mother, into these roots where I can sigh in relief that I am protected and always cared for.
Through the rustling of the leaves I hear the hawk shout his praises. He reminds me that all is transforming with each passing second. The only way to make my way through these winds of change is to soar above it where all is calm. I can then enjoy the grey clouds and sun all as the same, knowing that this churning and twisting is being presented in my favor.

The forest within is only as deep as I am willing to walk through it. Magic and beauty await me, beckoning me to find playfulness in this almost unbearable game of hide and seek. Was it ever hiding in the first place?

I ask for direct guidance to lead me without misstep through this forest of darkness. Trust and all is well.

Gurdwara

Slowly, walking up the steps to the doorway where my Beloved awaits for me to be united. I take off my flip flops and place them next to a pair of exotic jootis delicately embroidered in gold and red. Next to them lies a pair of simple tennis shoes, worn men’s sandals, and slippers of a child. We come here on this day, setting aside personality, opinion, the worry of our lives. And yet we are all barefoot, naked. Instead of standing in front of a cross, I bow in reverence to another avenue.

Stepping into this simple house as One where the Guru is held. There isn’t much to gawk over. No chairs needed as everyone sits on the floor as equals. No grand cathedral windows, ceilings reaching to the heavens, hand carved wooden statues, golden dipped challaces with fragrances of Frakincense and what not strewn about. None of it is needed for what matters most is right here, sitting next to me. The witnessing of priceless moments called human existence. This being and I close to the Mother. The only expectation is to come with empty hands and an open heart.

I enjoy sitting next to the old wise women. I have no idea of their names, which village they were from, or how they made the long journey here. However, when the grandmother smiles at me like I am am her own, I feel a sense of belonging. The harmonium gets louder with the chanting and vibrations of the room float higher. All I want is this grandmother to wrap me in the comfort of her shawl draped arms. Her feet are well taken care of, but I ponder over the many miles she has travelled in her years. Then in front and to the diagonal right I cautiously glance at a young woman. Her shoulders are slumped forward in reverent prayer as a transparent forest green scarf cascades over her long black hair which hovers just above the ground. Then I see the man holding his little one of no more than two years old. He has such tenderness and patience as she quietly sits in his lap, fidgeting every now and again. Oh how I want to place the image of this man in front of all those of my culture who act so differently. Why do these actions of simple human nature seem so foreign and yet familiar? I am struck in faith of something beyond this human condition that transforms me from darkness to light.

I know not what you say as mantra echoes from your lips. So how is it I can feel the meaning of the sound? With every sound of the chiming bells, every pound of the tabla, and echo of mantra I feel my Lord penetrate my soul. He lifts me beyond mindless troubles so I can finally have the scenic view of the illusion. How much closer than ever do I feel to my Christ’s saving Grace sitting here to the enchanting melodies uniting in the same harmony of One voice. The current of hymns of my Lutheran childhood resonate through my blood. And yet I feel ever so close to you, my Lord. You nourish me in places where hunger cannot exist.

Oh Christ, I open my hands upwards, empty in knowing that none can be created without you. I receive your body in the form of Prashad instead of a wafer. There’s no difference. Your sweet nectar nourishes my soul in ecstacy. This remembrance of your promise to me, always held in your Love. My mind cannot conceptualize the closeness I feel to you as when I was a child, kneeling at your altar, receiving the anointing of oil on my forehead time and time again being reminding of my baptism and confirmation in you. My baptism in action through it’s many forms, this being only one. I sit here in humbled gratitude receiving only glimpses into infinite galaxies of your Love and wisdom. Knowing that this communion is actually one in the same as I received in the Church. This sweet nourishment of your Love reminds me that the Trinity lies within me.

Yet, I now know within the deepest parts of my soul what your teachings truly mean. Beyond human interpretation of stories of the Bible, beyond the limitations of the language, beyond conception of the mind. Perhaps you view me as a radical of another kind. I know that I am already found in the possibility of seeing All in Him. The possibility that war, violence, and slander are no longer needed in this age of interdependence. No more false identities can be played out like pieces on a game board. For I am choosing to step out of the game and see all the perfection in the cardboard box that holds the pieces. I Know deeply as I sit here, in Gurdwara, that all is perfect and good and right. And I choose to be here. My faith in God’s Grace. With you. Always in service.

Kirtan Kriya

    I am seated on my sheep skin with a tall spine. One by one the teachings of the meditation come to me. My voice echoes the tone, “Sa”. All is lost once my thumb meets it's counterpart, Jupiter. In a flash I feel as if I am not sitting, but a friend is sitting next to me, and then another, and another. I begin to connect and feel a subtle support by the thousands of others with me in this moment.
    A dense and palpable fuzzy light radiates from the heavens through my crown. The energy swoops down in a slight L-like shape and exits through my third eye. Each syllable of “Sa Ta Na Ma” formulate from vibration into creation. The passage of light becomes stronger and effortless to maintain. I submit to this present being.
    The mantra seamlessly transitions into a whisper. I feel as if I am walking into a mysterious forest, or seductively whispering into my lover’s ear. A slight smile creeps through my lips, into my cheeks, and unfurls up through my face. Every muscle fiber becomes engaged and alive as if it was for the first time.
    Within a few more minutes the silent void takes precedence. Time seems to slow down. My eye focus drops into a deep abyss of darkness. That place where one is somewhat conscious but drifting slowly, comfortably, and easily into a deep restful state. I continue to hover in this magical place while being fully aware of each moment.
    It's not long before I loose any recognition of where my body begins and ends. Ever so grounded into the earth, yet every cell continues to loose definition. I am formless, I am endless, I am nothing, and yet everything in this experience. I continue to be lost and found with each passing second. At the same time I have no concept of what a second is, what a life is, what a mind is. I can only feel every part of myself merge with the ultimate Lover, my Christ, the Divine . Yet no recognizable face takes formation, for it IS and OF everything.
    I can feel every curve of this feminine form, my beauty and radiance is magnified. No fear of wondering what others would think. No thoughts of “who does she think she is?”. It’s unquestionable, because it just IS, and therefore doesn’t need to be explained.
    My soul begins to radiate into the boundlessness of the room. I notice the orange haze of the sunset through my closed eyelids. Although I cannot see, I can feel the rays gently making its way through the dense clouds and shining upon the left side of my face. The only thought that comes to me is the word, “remember”, quickly followed by rivers of poetry flooding my mind. The merging of this part of my soul, my purpose, my reason for being in this form continues on. Knowing that this is just one small piece that is being unveiled.
    I melt away into the ethers while mentally chanting “Sa Ta Na Ma”. This pure love making of my soul with the Divine continues on. Love that is the umbrella for my experience of Self in sensuality, comfort, support, and fearlessness.
  These moments of grace and wordless understanding continue to build upon one another indefinitely until I am brought back to a soft whisper. By the time I continue to chant out loud thoughts of the smaller self have already returned. My concentration waivers for a moment until I compassionately bring it back into focus again, and again, and again. The coming and goings of consciousness being contained through presence. Gratitude pours through me once the meditation ends. I have no need for an emotional release through tears. There's no need for a grand finale. Just a calm mind and heart united. I open my eyes, the clouds have combined, darkness sets in, the sun has come to rest…but not my soul. It’s still on fire.